Who is Kern?

Kern is the God of Corn and Magazine Subscriptions.

That wasn't helpful. Who is Kern?

Kern is the God of Atheists, because Kern can prove he exists, unlike all those other Gods, who are ephemeral, because He walks upon this plane with feet of clay. If you are an Atheist but nonetheless have been seeking the guidance of True Divinity, seek no further, child, for you are home.

Are you serious?

If you have to ask, I don't have to answer.

Who is Steve?

Steve is the One True God, except for those other Gods.

Wait, I thought Kern was God?

Kern is one avatar of Steve. Steve cannot prove he exists, except through the knowledge that Kern exists. Steve is the Ineffable One, whose judgment and wisdom shall only be challenged by those who challenge Him.

I'm confused now!

Good.

Ok, ok, so Kern is Steve's avatar...

No, Kern is one of Steve's avatars. Another is Glas'gargle, the Atlantean Titan Spirit Guide who speaks to Kern of the Times That Went Before. Glas'gargle does not exist, because Kern cannot prove he does. But Kern loves him nonetheless, for the revelations he brings.

Does Steve have any other avatars?

Leo Latrunculus, the Brigand Lion, who exists within the dimension of those things that do not exist, and therefore exists only because he does not. Leo Latrunculus shall bring to the thoughtful meditator a sense of well-being, or at least an alleviation of headaches.

Did Steve create the Universe?

What a personal question.

What on Earth do you mean? That's not a personal question at all.

Are you disagreeing with Steve?

I don't know! I don't even understand Steve!

Steve is Bob's brother.

Who is Bob?

Ask a Subgenius. I don't understand Bob either.