Initiation into the Church of Kern

All are welcome (atheists and otherwise) to initiate into the Church of Kern. Be forewarned: All housepets are automatic Elders in the Church of Kern. There have been some reports of insufferable behavior, especially on the part of cats.

If you wish to be a Holy Kernalite, do the following:

1. Buy a can of creamed corn
2. Put Lard's "Mangoat" or KoRn's "A.D.I.D.A.S." on the stereo, or "Children of the Corn" in the DVD/VHS.
3. Open the can of creamed corn in an electric can opener, chanting, "Oh, great spirit of the corn, we release you."
4. Spread the creamed corn on a pile of a magazine subscription reply cards.
5. Clean up the mess! Yuck! I can't believe you actually DID that!

A Dinner Blessing

Before dining, the folowing should be spoken over the food:

"Oh gracious (insert name of supermarket here), we thank thee for thy bountiful gifts. Tonight we feast on generous helpings of food that were purchased from your glourious shelves. You graced us with sales on this prime rib for us to feast on, and two-for-one specials on macaroni and cheese. And we will try, in your name, to buy healthy food, so we do not succumb to the evils of the fat demons. For we know if we are wicked and eat too much of the brownies we blessedly aquired (half off), we will be under the power and spell of the devils 'Diet' and 'Exercise' for eternity. In (insert name of supermarket here)'s name we ask this blessing from the great athiest god, Kern." (Lord Kern thanks Lynn for this invocation)

Holy Icon Meditation

Behold the Holy Dildo of Kern. Unlike Lord Kern, the dildo exists only in virtual reality. Comtemplate it. Become one with it. Imagine it entering your body and becoming one with you. Advanced meditation can be done with the Holy Rotating Dildo of Kern (491K).

So says Kern, so will it be done.
All Church of Kern content ©2002ff Paul Kershaw unless otherwise indicated; see the disclaimer for more info. Questions, comments, and such should be directed to Steve.